time

It's now 2018 and Zoey is 5 1/2 and Des just turned 3. Ted and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage this year. What?! I had a discussion with Ted last night during one of our countless drives from Mesa back to Tucson, about how time is kind of a jerk. I always feel so young, and like high school was only a few years ago. And then reality check! I was born in the 80s and high school was more than a decade ago. Turns out we are old. Oh, and gray hair has been part of my life since I was 23, so that's rad.

I turn 30 in a few weeks and to be completely honest, it's been devastating for me. I have sort of dreaded turning 30 for a long time, but it wasn't until 2018 that it felt like a punch in the face. I see all of my accomplished family and friends doing so many wonderful things, and I'm like, "You guys are amazing!" and also, "Wow, definitely thought I'd have accomplished something by now!" I brought it up to my parents yesterday and they were quick to shut that down, but it wasn't as if I said this with a need for validation. I truly am just bummed I did what I said I wouldn't do. I got married, and had to cut my school credits so I could work more to help pay our bills. And then after a few years of doing that I got pregnant. I tried going back to school, but turns out it is nearly impossible when homeschooling children and running a small business. 

A couple of months ago Zoey was telling me all of the wonderful things she wants to be when she grows up. Things that I am positive she can do. The next day we were sitting at the dinner table and I told her to tell Ted about the things she wanted to be and instead of saying a doctor in space, she said "I want to be exactly like mommy." I felt moved. And I felt my heart sink. Why would she want to be like me? I don't have a college degree and I have failed at so many things. The feelings are conflicting because what an honor to have your child look up to you, but also, why me? 

I hoped to have a lot of things figured out when I turned 30, but turns out it will be an ongoing learning process. No one warns you that when you are at this age you will be still striving to love and appreciate yourself. That's my focus this year. To love, to recognize my worth, and to realize what it is about me that makes my daughter want to be just like me.

What I know is this: I am a great daughter to my parents, a caring best friend, a committed wife, and a devoted mother. Maybe that is a bit of an accomplishment after all.